SATIRE

Hm, “Netflix will air five new episodes of Lucifer, beginning on August 21, 2020.” That’s on a Friday night...that right there ain’t nothing but those Netflix folks rendering their own special form of torture on us Lucifer fans (Lucifans) by making us wait all the way until a late Friday night in August to see new episodes of our favorite devil angel.

They’ll deny that’s what they’re doing. But, we know. We know. They sat around their Ikea office table, eating their little finger sandwiches and drinking their Fiji water, grinning from one ear to the other, all the while planning on how they could get us all ginned up for just five episodes of Lucifer:

    “The coronavirus has given us the perfect opportunity to make
      more money off the Lucifans. And do you know how we’re going
      to make more money off the Lucifans?!" asked Tom Dollier.

     "No. I don’t know," said Joseph Bernstein.

     "No idea," said Dan Yanukovych.

     "How are we going to do that, Tom?!" asked Joseph Bernstein.

     "We’re going to do what Lucifer would do…torture them by
      denying them the thing they want the most, Lucifer. By making
      the Lucifans wait for new episodes to air, we’ll build up their
      need to watch new episodes of the show; meaning more viewers
      and therefore more money from data buyers," said Tom Dollier.

     "Yeah, yeah, that’s a good idea," said Dan Yanukovych.

     "I like it," said Joseph Bernstein.

     "Me too," said Cam Smith.

     "Good plan, good plan, Tom," said Perry Michaels.

     "Yeah, yeah, good plan, Tom. I like that," said Dan Yanukovych.

     "Me too," said Cam Smith.

     "Mm-hmm," said Perry Michaels.

     "Yeah," said Joseph Bernstein.

However, there was one who didn’t think the plan was too hot and would backfire in the end:

     “Umm, what if they don’t come back?!” asked Steve Nosen.

    “What’d you mean if they don’t come back?! They always come
     back, " said Tom Dollier.

    "Not like they do in that one movie, They Come Back," said Dan
     Yanukovych.

    Everyone Laughs.

   "These people worship Lucifer like they worship the devil, pun
    intended. They’ll be back. They always come back. Where else do
    they have to go, Hulu?! asked Dan Yanukovych.

    "What you all are doing with these five episodes is like giving a
     drug addict a pint of meth and then hoping he doesn’t rob you
     and kill you for more meth. Cults are nothing but addicts who
     must be given a substantial amount of dosage of their drug, in a
     timely manner might I add, in order to get them to keep coming
     back for more,” said Steve Nosen.

What the top brass didn’t realize is that Steve Nosen had been nosing around the coffee shop, Great Beans in Coffee, which is just around the corner.

Steve would sit at the table, in the back corner, listening to Generation Zers (G Zer) and Millennials (M Ler) talking about when Lucifer was coming back on. One G Zer said to an M Ler:

    “Who in fucks sakes thought five shows of Lucifer was the
     Christian thing to do?!” asked G Zer.

     “Yeah, dude, those Netflix doochbags are going to hell for that!”
      is what the M Ler said.
     
      “‘Hell’ is where they think we’re going, all because they believe
        we’re only showing five episodes of Lucifer. The one thing I’ve
        learned in my six months in the entertainment industry is that
        the fans’ thinking and actions go together. When a Generation
        Zer is sipping on a mocha latte and says, 'I wouldn’t look at
        that in my dreams,' he really means it. And that there, to me
        folks, is a sign that the Lucifans are going to serve up their own
        special brand of torture upon the heads of the Netflix
        executives by not watching the five episodes of Lucifer that are
        set to air on a Friday night, on August 21, 2020," said Steve
        Nosen.

Many of the Netflix executives weren’t paying that any never mind, though. They had psychologists and data analyst with Ph.D.’s from Stanford, UC-Berkley, and Harvard. And the one thing these doctors with degrees in philosophy assured them of, with 99.999% certainty, is that they’ll make one billion dollars off us Lucifans.

    “Poppycock! Dr. Henry Know's data and he says they’ll be back.
      And the last time I checked, Nosen, you don’t have a Ph.D. in
      psychology from Stanford," said Tom Dollier.

    "Yes, it’s true! My dissertation on Why We Stream was one of 5 to
     be placed in the Library of Congress back in 2019," is what Dr.
     Henry Knows said.

    "Ha, the Library of Congress, you hear that, Nosen?! I didn’t even
     know Congress had a library,” said Tom Dollier.

Seeing that he was in a losing battle with the highest paid fools in the industry, Steve Nosen decided he just better clam up and let them go ahead into that ditch on their own.

Tom Dollier went forth with his plan to show only five episodes of Lucifer to us Lucifans. The day, Friday, and the date, August 21, 2020, was set. Everyone, except Steve Nosen, were overjoyed at the thought of the billion dollars us addicted Lucifans would bring in when we got our first dose of Lucifer. Oh boy, just the thought of it made their bums tingle. “A billion dollars means a new island, a new vacation home on Martha’s Vineyard, and me ‘Finding My Moment’ with a spanking hot brand new broad from Ashley Madison,” is what Tom Dollier told everyone.

Yes, one could understand the Netflix executives’ joy. But, one could also understand Steve Nosen’s hesitation. Cults are rabid. They’ll turn on you; especially if you give them just a taste of what they want.

And folks, let me tell y’all something, those Netflix folks giving us Lucifans just a taste of Lucifer, by scraping the episodes down from 10 to 5, is a sure way to get us to turn on them before we turn to Hulu to get our high on something.